Karezza is a gentle, affectionate form of intercourse in
which orgasm is not the goal, and ideally does not occur in
either partner while making love. Karezza gained its name from Alice
Bunker Stockham, MD at the end of the nineteenth century. She based the
name on the Italian word carezza, meaning “caress.”
Stockham was initially inspired by the work of John
Humphrey Noyes, who taught a concept he called, Male Continence, in which
men opt to avoid ejaculation when conception is not desired. However, Stockham
encouraged both partners to pass up orgasm, insisting that the
practice is neither “male” nor “female.”
Although Stockham and, later, J. William Lloyd, MD both
wrote books about Karezza, readers often observe that the descriptions of
the actual practice seem vague. This is because technique is virtually
immaterial. It’s a practice about not doing, about getting your
goal-driven mammalian mating program out of the way long enough to fall into a
state of relaxed union. It’s more of an experience than a practice. As a
result, each couple has a slightly different tale to tell.
Everyone who has practiced tantric sex knows what
Stockham was describing as the overflow type of orgasm. It occurs when, after
an extended period of tantric lovemaking (hours, days, weeks; whatever it
takes) it becomes impossible to distinguish pre-orgasm from orgasm -- or one
body from another, for that matter -- and without any pelvic thrusting on
either person's part, the couple achieves a sort of "flowing" state
of shared continual orgasm which lasts...well, in some sense,
"forever," since one of its most notable characteristics is that the
participants experience a psychedelic perception of timelessness along with the
exquisite bliss of bodily and spiritual rapture. No specific techniques exist
to bring this condition on; it is simply a byproduct of regular Karezza
practices -- when both partners learn to control their orgasm responses.
Karezza is not “regular sex” but
without the orgasm
Although Karezza calls for intercourse, it wouldn’t look
anything like the intercourse Masters and Johnson observed in the lab, with its
“restricted breathing” and “extreme muscle tension.” Stockham contrasted the
“ordinary hasty spasmodic method of cohabitation” with Karezza:
During a lengthy period of
perfect control, the whole being of each is merged into the other, and an
exquisite exaltation experienced. This may be accompanied by a quiet motion,
entirely under subordination of the will, so that the thrill of passion for
either may not go beyond a pleasurable exchange.
Our emphasis is on affection, and we stay well away from
the edge of orgasm. If we sense ourselves slipping into performance mode while
making love, we pull ourselves back into relaxation with deeper, longer
breaths. This relaxes our abdominal breathing and reverses the increase in
muscular tension and the urge to restrict breathing that coincide with the
buildup to orgasm.
Regular, “heat ‘em up” foreplay doesn’t work very well
with Karezza
Typical foreplay is geared toward heating yourself and
your partner up with orgasm as the goal. The pleasures of Karezza, however, do
not rely on the rewards that come from approaching one’s own orgasm or inducing
it in a lover. They depend on the rewarding feelings that come from mutual
adoration and generous touch (bonding behaviors). Initially Karezza therefore
feels all wrong. It seems too non-goal-oriented and relaxed.
When I first explained it to my husband, he couldn’t believe his ears: “A woman
who is asking me to do less?”
So, without standard foreplay, what do we do when
we get in bed with each other? We found it helped to have some structure,
because ingrained habits die hard. The more radically and thoroughly we alter
our behavior when creating a new pathway in the brain, the easier it is to
create one.
One could make it a point to stick to a pre-agreed list
of bonding behaviors—and engage in them daily for a few
minutes, or more, using a generous mindset.
Bonding behaviors
So what behaviors can lovers use to signal each other
that they want to deepen their emotional connection? Here is a list:
·
smiling, with eye contact
·
skin-to-skin contact
·
providing a service or treat without being asked
·
giving unsolicited approval, via smiles or
compliments
·
gazing into each other’s eyes for several
moments
·
listening intently, and restating what you hear
·
forgiving or overlooking an error or thoughtless
remark, whether past or present
·
preparing your partner something to eat
·
synchronized breathing
·
kissing with lips and tongues
·
cradling, or gently rocking, your partner’s head
and torso (works well on a couch, or with lots of pillows)
·
holding, or spooning, each other in stillness
for at least twenty minutes to a half-hour
·
wordless sounds of contentment and pleasure
·
stroking with intent to comfort
·
massaging with intent to comfort, especially
feet, shoulders and head
·
hugging with intent to comfort
·
lying with your ear over your partner’s heart
and listening to his or her heartbeat for several moments
·
touching and sucking of nipples/breasts
·
gently placing your palm over your lover’s
genitals with intent to comfort
·
making time together at bedtime a priority (even
if one partner has to get up and work on something afterward)
The desire for, and rewards of, these behaviors are
deeply rooted in millions of years of evolution.
Intercourse is slower and more relaxed
It worked best to begin intercourse in a position that
did not allow for much movement. Even so, it was extremely easy to escalate
into good old, familiar sex as we added intercourse to our nightly affection.
One strategy you may consider using is putting “snuggle nights” in between
“intercourse nights.” Snuggle nights are useful refresher courses for your
nervous systems. Even a little bit of cuddling offers a taste of relaxed
satisfaction with no goal whatsoever. When you next have intercourse it is
easier to stay in the tranquil mindset ideal for Karezza.
As far as actual intercourse goes, you move eventually far
more slowly than you did during conventional sex. In addition, you may
fall into total stillness frequently while making love. Some
of the most gratifying and profound experiences occur when not moving.
As a result, your lovemaking will go in waves, somewhat like breathing.
Erections also come and go—and arise again when you start kissing after a
pause.
You kiss and gaze into each other’s eyes a lot. You also
let each other know how loved we feel with wordless sounds of pleasure and
reverent, or playful, touch—depending upon our mood. Sometimes you make a
conscious effort to diffuse the sexual energy from our genitals throughout your
bodies by tightening the muscles of our pelvic floor and breathing the energy
up. Sometimes when you close your eyes you notice flashing lights in the
third-eye region of the forehead. Sometimes you may use the technique of
completely relaxing our pelvic muscles.
You make love in very comfortable positions, where your
weight is supported with a minimum of tension. Side-lying position, with your
legs wrapped around him or her, is a favorite. Occasionally you may fall asleep
connected, which makes waking up especially enjoyable. Because you never
“finish,” you may suddenly notice that a flirty energy continues to flow
outside the bedroom. This helps stave off habituation.
Done properly, Karezza relieves sexual
tension
Whatever your gender, you probably experience sexual
frustration as the strongest weapon in your genes’ arsenal. If you can’t
resolve your sexual tension in a relationship, you are keenly motivated to add
a lover (or some porn) on the side, or move on to a relationship where you can resolve
it—at least temporarily. Sadly, the harder you try to resolve your frustration
through better or more frequent orgasm with any partner, the
more likely you are to trigger the sexual satiety that can push mates
apart. You (like most other mammals) are programmed to be unable to
find lasting sexual satisfaction with a mate by having more orgasms,
because you have evolved to see a partner with whom you exhaust your sexual
desire as less and less rewarding over time.
With Karezza you ease your sexual tension without
resorting to orgasm. Dr. Lloyd wrote that Karezza leads to complete dissipation
of congestion, complete discharge of nervous surplus, complete relief from
sexual tension, and more complete satisfaction than orgasm. He contrasted it
with orgasmic sex, which tends to create local congestion and which must find
relief in orgasm, or create distress.
Using Karezza’s gentle intercourse, we discovered that we
can make love for as long as we need to until any sexual tension melts away
entirely—as long as we don’t fall back into hungry behavior, or begin fighting
ourselves by going close to the edge of orgasm. During lovemaking, the emphasis
is on stillness and heart-centered feelings. If the energy begins to build into
goal-oriented sensations, we simply relax back into stillness.
The feelings during these quiet periods can be especially
profound, as if we have entered a timeless cocoon of delighted contentment.
I experience what I think of
as a “soul orgasm.” It isn’t connected to reproductive sex in any way. It can
be produced even without sex, although sex is a great way to produce it. As we
gently make love, I imagine us both in a glowing ball of light. I feel as if
our spirits have merged. For hours after this kind of sex session, if I think
of my wife, the feeling of deep love refills me, just as if I were back in bed
having sex. —Todd
Flirting with “the edge” can increase frustration, even
if no one climaxes. Frustration equates with high dopamine, and when dopamine
goes too high it can lead to tension, resentment, and subsequent cravings.
Going too close to orgasm can also build congestion in the genitals, which may
cause sharp pains. If you are fighting yourself, you are going too close to
orgasm. If you are male, you are also putting unhealthy stress on your prostate
gland. Relax!
Karezza is effortless
I just couldn’t believe how effortless Karezza was. This
man described it perfectly:
For a long time, I’d been
doing Taoist-style sex with my wife with good results—using exercises,
lovemaking techniques, and energy visualizations. However, I decided to set it
aside temporarily to learn more about Karezza. The first thing I noticed was
that Karezza got the same results as my old Taoist practices. But Karezza
required no specialized energy work. All I did was to remain nearly still while
engaged in sex and breathed slow, deep breaths. I did nothing else. Anyone
could do Karezza.
I soon started to sense
another feeling that I didn’t recognize—a deep, satisfying feeling. I guess it
was the oxytocin, the cuddle hormone. It feels like peace and love all mixed up
together—a sensation of being in love with life. —Larry
Karezza works because bonding behaviors work. In fact,
Karezza is itself a delicious, intimate, soothing bonding behavior. There
is nothing mysterious about this, even though its effectiveness in relieving
sexual tension may strike you as remarkable after you master it.
There was a warm glow in the
area between our navels and pubic hairline that just demanded that we lie there
together motionless to feel the gentle warmth it was radiating. This went on
for twenty to thirty “timeless” minutes. Then slowly we inched toward nuzzling
in the genital area. Very slowly we got to having intercourse sideways and it
was amazing—lots of wetness to make it easy, and lots of control so no frenzy
by either. We were both amazed and so loving in the stillness. It is a truly
incredible experience. R. is delighted and feels so pleased that he didn’t feel
the need to come, which has been a big concern for him. It was such a powerful,
loving experience. —Gina
Sometimes Karezza is just pleasant, gentle intercourse
that leaves us refreshed and more balanced. Sometimes it’s an amazing,
heart-opening experience for which we can hardly find words. The outcome is not
in our control. All we can do is keep our biologically driven habits out of the
way, and enjoy what bubbles up. Striving is counterproductive. We focus on
comforting each other, not fanning sexual hunger.
Karezza, with its emphasis on generous, non-goal-oriented
affection, seems to rely heavily on activating the body’s relaxation
response. In contrast, ejaculatory sex is a function of the fight-or-flight
(sympathetic nervous system) response. Regular sex is an athletic exercise.
Your heart rate increases; you perspire. It’s like any other goal-directed
activity, particularly when your survival is at stake. Indeed, biologically
driven sex is exactly that. You are in performance mode, doing what needs to be
done to survive (through passing on your genes).
The body “reads” bonding behaviors (like Karezza) as
signals for feeling safe and getting closer. In contrast, it may not “read”
performance-oriented lovemaking as a bonding signal, but rather as something
more akin to a fight-or-flight activity. This powerful drive produces orgasms,
but not necessarily profound feelings of safety or a desire to remain close.
Karezza’s effects are subtle and cumulative
Karezza can be a bit like watching paint dry at
first—albeit with the added joys of a companion and an increasing sense of
well-being. It does not produce rapid, obvious results (as, for example, a new
foreplay technique might). Instead its effects are cumulative. We needed
several weeks of pleasant, but patient, consistency to see why we had made the
effort to try it. During that time, we experienced a growing sense of
empowerment, optimism, and connectedness with others. We felt as if we were “in
the flow.” Yet these changes seemed so natural (and
well-deserved), that it was easy to miss the link between cause and effect.
The Karezza way doesn't
require climax by either man or woman, since it emphasizes intimacy, harmony,
and unity. It also takes a lot of practice to make it work right, and the
couple wishing to practice Karezza should be patient. It takes time to
harmonize energy fields, emotions, rhythms, and responses between two persons.
Expect to practice at least a dozen times before you begin to see increasingly
delightful results. —Bernard Jensen, MD
Karezza is a return to equilibrium. For some that may
mean a few uncharacteristic naps, for others it will mean a welcome increase in
libido. Either way, Karezza is not an attempt to recreate the intensity of
honeymoon neurochemistry. The energy it produces is not “edgy,” but rather
lighthearted. With or without clothes, it feels more like two dolphins
frolicking. We tend to laugh a lot, to find just the right times to make love,
and to enjoy hugging or touching each other at other times.
You need to try Karezza for at least three weeks to be in
a position to compare the benefits with conventional sex. Otherwise you may not
taste what life is like beyond the ups and downs of the post-orgasmic passion
cycle.
We often learn the most about Karezza from our
inadvertent departures from it. We never “go for” orgasm, but it happens
occasionally. It’s the perfect reminder of why we stick with this practice.
During the two weeks after an orgasm, we notice a temporary dimming of good
feelings, and we are always delighted when, like clockwork, we come back into
sync at the end of the cycle.
Applying the Karezza
Method (from The Karezza Method, by J. William Lloyd [1931])
Who would like to succeed with Karezza must begin with
the mental and spiritual values. Both the man and the woman, and perhaps
especially the woman, must resolve that they do not wish the orgasm - that
there is a greater spiritual and physical unity and emotional bliss to be obtained
without it, besides the sense of safety. This must be the fixed thought and
ideal of Karezza.
If you are novices, choose a time when you can both be
all alone, unhurried and free from interruptions. Concentrate yourselves
entirely on your love and joy and the blending of yourselves into one.
Let the room be warm, the surroundings pleasant and
esthetic; and be as unhampered by clothing as possible. Let both of you think
more about your love than your passion; translate your sex-passion as much as possible
into heart-passion; be sensitively alive to the charm of each other's forms,
tones, touch and fragrances; let the thought of mutual tenderness and blessing
never leave you for an instant, and make everything that you do and say and
feel and think religious in its purity, idealism, aspiration. If you do not
come nearer heaven in this act and relation, than in anything else you do or
ever will do, you fail of perfect Karezza.
Let your embrace be music and a living poem.
Now to you, the man, I speak: Lie down beside your
partner and begin to caress her gently with the softness of your hands and
fingertips. Tell her to relax herself and lie utterly passive. Tell her to
yield herself to the bliss of utter peace and realization. Tell her that you
love her and that your whole being longs for entire unity with her. Remember
that you cannot use the word "love" too often. She will never tire of
it and it is your watchword. Be to her an incarnate blessing. Try to convey God
to her.
As your hands caress her, tell her how beautiful her
features are to you - her brow, her hair, her lips, her throat - her arms,
hands, bosom, waist, the flowing rounded lines of her limbs. Grow eloquent,
poetic in her praise. The Loved One can never be too much praised or
appreciated by the Lover. Spend plenty of time on these preparatory caresses.
Finally, your touch will grow near and you will come to
the focus of all, "the love-flesh" - the Flower. Be tender; be
tender, for this is Holiness itself - the seal of God on the woman's person.
If there is dew and moisture here, a flowing with honey,
you may begin - that is if your own Finger of Love is firm and fit.
Let there be no hurry or thought of rudeness - be tender,
be tender! Have her lie in a straight line, easy, at peace, utterly relaxed and
willing.
Begin, seeing to it that the lips do not enfold to
prevent. Be gentle, tender, steady, steady. Keep your thoughts on love, not
passion. Let her help you by doing the same and murmuring to you, "I love
you!" If your passion threatens to overcome you, pause and sublimate it
into tenderness of love. Feel strong and confident and say, "I can!"
Maintain your own positiveness. Feel yourself stronger than she is, than your
passions are. But above all think of your spiritual love. Let her be utterly
relaxed physically, let her hold the thought of Peace. Yet for her to hold the
thought "I will help him!" would help. Do not worry and do not mind
how long you have to wait before strength and self-control return and you can
go on. Finally, the stress subsides and you can continue. If she suffers pain,
caress her with your hands, pity her, and be tender and very sympathetic, but
reassure her and go on. She herself does not wish you to stop or to fail.
Reassure and help each other. When you do finally pass the gates and enter the
Hall of the Feast and the Holy of Holies, the worst of the battle will be over
and self-control much easier. Penetration can now be perfect and complete.
Now let her put her arms around you and sweetly kiss you,
but with heart-love, not yet passion. Pour out your soul to her in extravagance
of out-gushing, poetic love. Praise her with every epithet you can honestly
use. Give her your soul's best, always your best - and call out the best and
purest from her.
At other times - and this is most important - be silent
and quiet, but try to feel yourself a magnetic battery, with the Finger of Love
as the positive pole, and pour out your vital electricity to her and
consciously direct it to her womb, her ovaries, her breasts, lips, limbs,
everywhere filling her in every nerve and fiber with your magnetism, your life,
love, strength, calmness and peace. This attitude of magnetation is the
important thing in Karezza, its secret of sweetest success. In proportion as
you acquire the habit and power of withdrawing the electric qualities from your
sexual stores and giving them out in blessing to your partner from your
sex-organs, hands, lips, skin, everywhere; from your eyes and the tones of your
voice; will you acquire the power to diffuse and bestow the sex-glory, envelop
yourselves in its halo and aura, and to satisfy yourself and satisfy her
without an orgasm. Soon you will not even think of self-control, because you
will have no desire for the orgasm, nor will she. You will both regard it as an
awkward and interrupting accident. And the practice of Magnetation will
beautify and strengthen every organ in your body that you thus use to express
it, as well as hers. It is the great beautifier. Every look from your eyes,
yes, every touch of your hands, and the tones of your voice will become vibrant
with magnetic charm.
And while you are magnetizing her, try to feel your utter
unity with her. This is the real ideal and end of Karezza. You will finally
enter into such unity that in your fullest embrace you can hardly tell
yourselves apart and can read each other's thoughts. You will feel a physical
unity as if her blood flowed in your veins, her flesh were yours. For this is
the Soul-Blending Embrace.
If any part of her is weak or ill, you can direct the
magnetic currents there with the conscious thought of healing.
But this is anticipation and a description of the perfect
thing. Perhaps at first you will have much difficulty and many failures. If
while you are penetrating you feel the orgasm irresistibly approaching,
withdraw entirely, lift yourself a little higher up and have the emission
against her body, while you are pressed close to her warmth and consoling love.
After all is over, wipe all away, carefully, with a convenient cloth, and be
very careful that no drops can reach her entrance. Then repose quietly by her
side, talking tenderly and lovingly. Do not worry - all will come right - this
is only a common accident with beginners and to be expected - perhaps with the
very passionate and fully-sexed, several times in succession. Remember you are
not yet used to each other or in magnetic rapport. If she is a true woman she
will never reproach you, but will be all patience, sympathy, loyally working
with you to attain the perfect result.
At the end of an hour, not sooner, all discharges having
long since passed and dried up, if you can again feel potent it will be safe to
renew the attempt. 2 Caress her for a
while, exactly as at first, and be sure her nectar-moisture and willingness are
as at first. This is your sign of invitation - of her blissful welcome and Nature's
chrism. If she is dry, you will hurt her. The top having been taken off your
passion by the emission, you will probably, this time, feel less pressure and
be able to easily succeed, but the second testicle may demand equal privileges
and again you may fail. Do exactly as at first and so continue till you do
succeed. Practice makes perfect and "it's dogged that does it,"
Thackeray said. Never permit yourself to contemplate anything but ultimate and
ideal success. It is right here, after one or two failures, that most men give
up and declare the whole thing impossible. Yet it is right here, and after such
failures, that success becomes easiest, because the discharges have lessened
the seminal pressure. If the attempt is renewed just as often as potency can be
renewed, success is certain. Any man can succeed if he will persevere.
When you have fully acquired the power you will go on
from strength to strength. You will amaze yourself and your partner by what is
easily possible to you. You will be able to make any motion you please, that
anybody can make anywhere, yet with no failures. You can take the most unusual
positions and change places with your partner. You can allow her to be as
active as she pleases, or to have the orgasm herself, if she greatly desires
it, with no danger to your equilibrium. You can continue the embrace for half
an hour, an hour, or even two hours. You can repeat it twice, or perhaps three
times, in twenty-four hours, with no sensation of excess. And, so on. But keep
the spiritual on top, dominant - loving is the first thing, and at-one-ment in
the highest fruition of your souls, your real end. Sex-passion as an end in
itself will degrade you make it a tool of your spirit.
Karezza is the embrace - The Embrace - the most perfect
and satisfying thing in human life, between two mates who truly love. All other
caresses point to this and are unsatisfactory because they are not it. It is
the only embrace for the truly refined and poetic, as an adequate expression of
their insatiable longing to be at one. It is Heaven, on earth.
In conclusion
You may believe that you will feel more frustrated the
longer you avoid orgasm. Yet if you experiment carefully with Karezza, using
lots of relaxation and generous affection, you are likely to find that this is
not true.
I have experienced great
feelings of well-being after non-orgasmic sex over long periods of time. The
contact with the person becomes the orgasm, the sexual contact becomes the
orgasm, and then there is no need for orgasm. —Mike
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