Author: Stephanie D. Lewis
Is your brain fog so thick and your mind such a blur that you have considered breaking out the Windex? Are you falling-off-the-chart smart? Or are you just falling apart? Try this fun test to see where your brain cells stand these days.
Menopausal Math. (Choose best answer.)
1. Your family requests fudge brownies for dessert. Two nights prior, you bake four batches containing two dozen each. Next morning you eat six from each batch so all plates look even. By lunch, you have polished off one entire platter, because your family prefers pumpkin pie anyway, right? How late must you stay up tonight to re-bake and replace all eaten brownies, taking into consideration your husband wants a little somethin' somethin' around 11 p.m.?
A) Brownies or Sex? Where is the dilemma?
B) Uh... "Nobody Doesn't Like Sara Lee!"
C) Mmmm, pumpkin pie.
2. You're isolated in a soundproof, locked room with two oscillating fans, four bars of Godiva dark chocolate, one testosterone dispenser, a vibrator, eight bestseller books, and a broken cell phone that neither your husband or two small children can reach you on. How do you get free?
A) Melt the chocolate using hot flashes -- and use it to write an S.O.S. message on page from book -- slide under door.
B) Use the two fans to grind chocolate into cocoa powder, snorting it until you get high enough to forget where you are.
C) No husband or kids? What are you thinking? You already ARE free!!
3. You turned 50-years-old exactly three months ago and typically Aunt Flo shows up every 28 to 32 days. However, you haven't seen hide nor hair (Hair? Is she a redhead?) of her since you broke up with that math professor who teaches calculus at the university 4.8 miles away. Oh no! Statistically speaking, how likely is it that you are about to become the oldest mother in preschool history, desperately folding her child's finger painting into a makeshift fan during a hot flash in the middle of a parent/teacher conference?
A) 0%. Relax, you are not pregnant. It's just menopause, silly. Plan an expensive trip to Hawaii, buy and wear pretty new lacy panties or book a Brazilian waxing appointment. Any of those things is guaranteed to bring on your period. Or simply call Mr. Calculus and schedule some makeup sex.
B) 50%. Your chance of becoming a new mother again is directly proportional to how close you are to having an adult daughter who is also about to give birth herself (thus bestowing you with grandmother status!). Wouldn't it be fun to share a double stroller together?
C) 99.9%. Stock up on those diapers. Congratulations! This is guaranteed payback for lying about your age, having a tummy tuck, and saying, "Fro Yo" and "My bad" all the time. You fooled your uterus into thinking it's 25 again!
Use the following numerals to fill in the blanks with the corresponding meanings below.
210, 48, 1310, 0, 17, 4.5, 6, 20, 130
___The top number on your blood pressure when the Dr. isn't young and totally hot looking.
___Average number of times a week you lose your keys, glasses and cellphone.
___Number of hours earlier you need to start getting ready than you did when you were 25, just to look halfway presentable.
___Number of times you dye your gray hair in a year.
___Number of times you skip dying your hair because, "Gray is the new brunette!"
___The number of calories they claim you can eat and not gain weight--those diabolic, metabolic liars!
___Number of pills you need to swallow each morning just to feel semi-normal.
___Number of hours you actually sleep per night. Note: Divide this by the number of night sweats, then multiply it by number of fluttery, erratic heartbeats to the 9th power and subtract 20 minutes every time you have an obsessive/compulsive thought about breast cancer. Add the square root of Pi every third time you hear a scary noise and think an intruder is in the house. This calculates your MMPH (Menopausal Moments per Hour).
___Your HDL (Your good cholesterol) Yes, good! Don't ask me how, but they managed to get some of it to move to the right side of the tracks and perform nice deeds in your arteries. And somehow it's all related to 77% Cacao! So cheer up!
SCORING: 0-1,500 points? Congratulations and welcome to FU (Foggybrain University). The rest of your Midlife Sorority Sisters have been waiting (impatiently) for you! Note: If you detected a subtle chocolate (without nuts) theme throughout this assessment, you are truly Menopausal Mensa Material and hereby granted an immediate scholarship from Betty Crocker! Stay tuned for another fun test soon!