Monday, December 28, 2015

I'm a middle-aged woman by Lisa Koch

This song is about the “joys’ of growing older… yeah, right. Is it hot in here?

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Artist: Lisa Koch
Album: Tall Cool Drink
Released: 2006


I’m a middle-aged woman, and I’m really in my prime
I’m a middle-aged broad, and I’m looking mighty fine
Mature and sexy, healthy and fit
Nice and ripe, and i can’t remember shit

I’m irritable and crabby, and my mood is on the swing- yes, it is
My cycles are irregular, and my underwear clings
My thermostat has really gone awry
I’m sweating like a pig, while my cha cha is totally dry

Ooohhh, I’m working on a hot flash
Yeah, I’m on the verge
Building up steam for a power surge

Hot flash
Now my face is red
Looking for a towel to mop my head

Hot flash
Ooh, it comes on quick
My clothes are drippin’ and my skin is slick
(pant pant pant) is it warm in here?
(pant pant pant) is it hot in here?

Hot flash
At the grocery store
Jammin’ my head in the freezer door

Hot flash
200 degrees… (spoken) what are you lookin’ at?

I’m perimenopausal, and i can’t remember squat
There’s a ringing in my ears, and i tend to fart a lot
A 5 o’clock shadow wasn’t in my plans
Everytime I sneeze, I fricking pee my pants

I can’t sleep through the night, my libido’s out of whack
I’ve got bifocal contacts, and I’m sweating more than shaq
I’m feeling really anxious, maybe I could score some crack
Or drink some black cohosh tea (bleah, ick)

I’m a middle-aged woman, I suddenly don’t remember who you are
I must be a musician, because I’m playing a guitar
Yes, I’m middle-aged, here on this stage
I’m middle-aged, completely crazed
I’m a middle-aged….
(don’t mess with my social security!)
Middle-aged woman!

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About the Author


Picture Tina Fey meets Bette Midler with Joan Jett guitar chops... and you’ve got Lisa Koch.  An irreverent Seattle singer/comedian, Koch (“Coke”) is a deliciously twisted mix of comedy, theater, and demented songs.  She has 4 solo recordings, is one-half of hilarious sketch-comedy duo, Dos Fallopia ("My Breasts Are Out of Control"), and is an alumnus of cult quartet Venus Envy ("I'll Be A Homo for Xmas").  She has shared the stage with a diverse group of artists, including Steve Martin, Dave Brubeck, Janis Ian, The Indigo Girls, Holly Near, and Kate Clinton.  She's proud to report that one of her songs has actually been sampled by Jay-Z.

Koch has been a featured act at the National and Michigan Women's Music Festivals, Bumbershoot, and the Vancouver Comedy Festival.  Lisa has co-written such warped shows as "The Carpeters: Uncomfortably Close To You," “Two’s Company, I’m a Crowd,” "Deja Poo," and “Ham for the Holidays: Lard Potion No. 9.”  She also finds time to work as an actor, appearing "The Vagina Monologues,” "Dirty Blonde,” and as the Wicked Witch of the West in “The Wizard of Oz” (5th Ave Theatre, Seattle).
She is the composer of Off-Broadway musical “27, Rue de Fleurus”, is the recipient of a Just Plain Folks Award, and she and her music appear in documentary, “Two in a Million”.  She performs regularly on Olivia Cruises, and has been seen on LOGO.  Koch’s CD, “Tall Cool Drink” contains the viral hit, “I’m a Middle-Aged Woman.”

More songs by Lisa at free radio station Jango:

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